I flipped my phone on and started sifting through the various messages. I hadn't looked at it first thing, I had made coffee, let the cat in - who incidently left a "mouse" present on our balcony, I fed her, prepped breakfast for my daughter, cleaned the leftover dishes, made breakfast for our grandfather and lunch for my son. And there it was.
I was angry all morning. I woke up angry and it started to filter into my day with inner conversation, blame, striking statements...
In fact, I was angry from the night before. Triggered in the evening with an all out shouting at my son.
I still need time to digest but the trigger hinged upon hearing a response from my son which just utterly didn't make sense to me from my viewpoint, from a commonsense viewpoint, from a parenting viewpoint. In this split moment, I felt shocked and stood in this space where the quiet whisper came - shouldn't he know this kind of stuff? Isn't it commonsense? How old is he? In this moment there was a choice.
The anger, truth be told, feels good. Powerful. It says NO to what's happening. However, it isolates me from everyone leaving me on my own island.
I / we finished what we were doing and I went off to be with my anger with a beer on the porch with the sound of soothing rain, my cat Miu and the smell of grass and shining beams of streetlights - alone.
I got ready for bed, went up to see my son and expressed how I just couldn't understand his words coming out of his mouth. I didn't judge him .. I expressed I was still angry and I informed him I was going to bed. No hug, no recognition of the day, no glint from each others eyes, no trust in him finishing his homework and going to bed on time or not. I didn't want to back down this time and have me be the one who looks wrong in order to reconnect. (and that's another story for another time) I just didn't want to - I felt more glorified in my anger.
The words in his message changed me. Softened me. Made me proud of my son and honestly proud of myself. In this moment, regardless of whether he really feels these words or just knows how to use them, he has the idea and concept right and quite possibly his heart in the right place.
He has the most important lesson in life.
To say sorry and admit to something - in language and sentiment to me - opens up a channel to my love, to my heart and to the possibility of reconnection. To admit a wrongdoing or accept responsibility for it shows there is a place where the ego no longer exists as 0 and 1 binary. There is another awareness seeing the situation and seeing an alternative perspective where a different choice can be made.
To have hope in the future of "wanting" to understand me, to take the time together to "figure things out" over other his other priorities is the greatest gift I could ever receive.
Lastly, to express the sentiment of larger connection and relationship despite the challenges and difficulties of the day. To let me know - despite this situation - we are still connected, I am important to him and he recognizes and sees me and knows it could take time.
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you.
-Ho’oponopono Prayer
