I have always hated authority because authority in me is so strong.
It echos safety within me.
The structure of how I perceive the world has kept me safe. My ego holds to thoughts, associations and patterns of “self-imposed recognition.” It is ONLY the recognition of what I KNOW which feels safe.
[This is my protective shield.]
No matter what you say or tell me, I can only filter and interpret through my own perception of protection. I developed my protection in a way in which I seek to give you exactly what I need - safety. I mimic who you are and with this action you receive a mirror or reflection of yourself through me.
[In recognition of yourself, you also feel happy and safe.]
[When you feel safe then I feel safe. My survival is assured. My nervous system is at ease.]
[I didn't have someone I recognized to mimic me, to regulate my own system to feel safe]
[I was adopted at birth]
When I have given "self recognition" and “safety” to you, to my friends, to my colleagues and to the world over and over again, day after day, year after year - this action creates a habit and behaviour directed toward survivala and relaxation. Then, in the habit and behaviour of all this giving to re-create and reflect safety - this habit turned its back on me ....
[pause for silence]
In the silence of not giving, an energetic resistance emerges. I have given automatically for years and years to create safety yet in silence, a resistance appears in my awareness as a whisper, as a subtle echo.
But I am safe and yet the echo and resistance to not giving continues ...until it forms its own Being:
Who is giving to you?
This echo continues to ping at me constantly , in the same fashion as I have acted to give in order to receive safety. This has been my life strategy, my way of being, my frequency of existance.
The echo of “you should be giving,” “you should be giving,” “you should be giving” eventually becomes too much to bear as fear creeps in because I recognize I am not giving. Slowly (like an infusion of perfumed flowers), it's essence begins to permeate within me. The constant echo of action/habit/behaviour in my life reflecting back to me - without end, without pause, without doubt … always the echo... "you should be giving."
The echo, continuous, always with me in my mind becomes the only friend who was always with me, who never falters, never waivers, never stops… constantly echoing “you should give.” This echo becomes a distraction to my own voice, my own actions/behaviours and habits - constantly playing back to me with the same message "you should give," "you shoud give."
[And then it happened.]
The echo and its strength of reverberation begins to catch my attention more than my own. It is small at first, but with time grows - steadily taking my attention away from my own actions and behaviours. The echo's consistency causes me to forget who I am because the voice of the echo is more consistent than my own actions. I betrayed myself in a growing feeling of unsafety. I surrender to the echo. I stop saying no to the echo because it makes me feel unsafe. Instead, I do the same action I have always done to - again - feel safe. I agree with the echo. I become the mimic of the echo. I recognize the echo in order to be safe. I let go of "my own actions" and identity and become the echo.
And in surrender to my relation within myself, self-judgement and the fall from Eden is born between my "I" and the action of "should give."
The surrender, comfort and safety of agreement becomes "correct" and its opposite automatically becomes "incorrect." Duality is born between the harmonious action of "I should give" versus the action of not giving which results in conflict between "I" and "should give." If you can see, when I didn't make the action of giving then my "I" which was connected to "should give" became separate and therefore alone.
After I agreed and became the echo, I could no longer hear my own voice. Instead, my actions and behaviours were either in agreement (I should give) which felt good or disagreement which felt bad. There was no longer an observer between the two. Black and white. Light and dark.
Disagreement and seperation becomes an automatic consequence. Believing and agreeing with one action automatically creates a disagreement with another. Clinging to safety in one action .. means the inaction by natural consequence becomes not safe in our perception.
Now. I no longer hear the echo - I AM THE ECHO. I am the echo who is either right or who is wrong.
There is no space. Just right and wrong. Doing or not doing. It's not possible to always give. The less I give, the more "automatic" self-judgement occurs. With more self-judgement comes more expectation, resistance and suffering. As the intensity of the suffering grows .. it's energy starts to resonate with other suffering recognizing earlier pain in me. Friends recognizing friends. The more pain, the more recognition in me.
I can’t breathe and I feel unsafe – again. I forget about how to be safe because the pain overwhelms me.
I am wrong, I feel guilty, I am ashamed - sticking to my entire body, impossible to shake off. And once again, in order to survive, I look away from the pain (freeze/numbness) , I forget the pain and look for a way to find safety again.
[It is unbearable. It is too close.]
[I cannot bear it. I need space.]
[What can I do? Where can I find safey?]
The answer. It comes to me in a flash of light. It’s the only answer I have ever known. I feel safe when I am not alone - when I have a friend. Look for a friend. Look! Look! Call out to them for support — for space — to help me be with my pain. To be friends with me and my pain.
I find this friend and greet them warmly with my pain. Continuously day after day, my message echoes and echoes and echoes..
you are the wrong
which makes me right, again
"I give" to find safety