I feel and I don't feel
I walk around and brush shoulders with others yet I am in my own space
I have relationships and at any time I could say, I never knew them - I am blank
The victim appears to be the torch of my life
A loudspeaker broadcasting to souls on a frequency of fear and helplessness
I am consumed with myself, with how I achieve in this world, how I find peace and success
I am weary and tired for I have spent years in isolation always away from people closest to me
An instinctual invisible nudge always pulling me away from any significant or emerging relationship
Sometimes physically and others just as if I have left the building despite standing next to them
I write in melancholy, with shoulders drooping and my head slightly bowed
There is such indecision and lack of purpose .. my senses look and have looked everywhere to find significance and meaning
That internal drive and motivation of how to fit it to society, to life to some form of belongning
It doesn't matter why
Dissociated from family, from ancestral ties, from my country, from the Earth - explanations or simply the folly of the mind
Find a reason and you are already leaving yourself
It's a paradox - on one hand the mind keeps you company
and on the other, the analyzation and reasoning and beliefs keep you from your body and true reality
I often look for the reason which shows I am significant in life
I find it - however without constant pumping it slowly deflates and fades away
With time, experience and good sparkle of luck, I have maintained this creative strategy until... I haven't
It's hard to know what reality is, what is really tangible in life
I am beginning to see, it's not really about how I feel about a person is the relationship with them
The relationship is the potential which can happen at any moment
Despite their insults, indignation, kindness or love - the relationship comes down to how I choose to be with them
I have even had conversations with a dear heart friend about connection to disconnection - it's a thing
The other day, when I said via What's app - "we are connected" .. she replied back wonderfully .. "Did you doubt it?"
There is a longing for trust and security in a relationship for me, and yet I find it completely unfathomable to live up to.
To trust someone is to feel secure however this security is a habit, becomes an expectation and place of dwelling
Dissociation keeps me in a constant state of wanting trust but not feeling like this place exists - for trust is often associated with peace, wellbeing and safety and I am not alone.
In this moment, I see I can trust there is always a potential to be connected and because this potential exists - it means I am always connected to people. There is always a relationship. There is always options and avenues to walk down .. it just depends on how you step or dance or sway into it.
That's powerful, relationship and connection is not about how I feel, how I hold trust, how I seek security - its about the potential which is always there for relationship - and therefore connection to this potential is firm, is strong, is constant, never ending, never fading, never letting go, never in doubt and never to be questioned.
Perhaps I can love my victim, love my freedom away from family and country, love my space away from people ...(even if they are standing next to me)...
Perhaps I can come to a place in my heart knowing without a doubt that relationship is guaranteed, is always there despite appearances and troubles. I might call this God or faith or Buddha or Presence ..
It exists outside the realm of my experience and yet ...it always encompasses my experience at the same time. Paradox.
It's true, I feel and I don't feel .. I think I am connected or not .. these are also true. Most importantly, I am graced with the possibility at any moment, in any situation to connect despite how I feel and see myself.
This is comforting. Thank you.