There is no hope for awareness without pain
There has only been hope within myself for pain relief
To cover my in ability to communicate, respect, see or relate to others
Always searching for signs - is this right, that felt wrong - what the fuck just happened
Am I in an illusion?
Is it really true I claim to see everyone else's pain, defenses, deferment and blame
Hoping for my own pain relief when I have come to their rescue thousands of time
Brought light to their darkness, understanding to their confusion, kindness to their own self hurt
I use to think I had great respect for people, for permission, for time for one another
And yet, my wife was always joining in, helping without asking, doing without permission
Indeed, attention is life's greatest commodity - bringing help, hope, kindness and love - such is a drug
A drug for you and on a much more deabilitating world - an addiction for me
Can I follow the wisest of societal rules when my action seeks confirmation, recognition and attention?
When my movement in life is like a slow syringe microdosing expectation
Slowly slowly slowly, the frog is comfortable
The frog is dead
Awareness brings new life, new feeling, new emotion - but what for?
Caught in the loop of numb entertainment squalor - push the red button -push the red button
The act of seeking, of helping, of giving becomes a habit of expectation by its nature
Newton's 3rd law of physcis - for every action their will be an equal and opposite one in return
Awareness, giving, kindness is not the same around the world
Kindness can be a sign of weakness
Giving can be a sign of waste
Awareness is an opportunity to profit
Each word is a label, yet the label holds the silent context and relation
Same label, different worlds, different context and different relation
To be in one's own definition of the label also means to be entirely self sufficient
100% responsible for everything
Pain is universal - perhaps the only universal quality
Measurement is about the need to get away from it, prevent it, cover it, destroy it
Bringing awareness to the pain inside myself brings movement
Bringing awareness to the pain in others and offering kindness brings dependency
Being someone who seeks out pain to support his addition is a a masochist
Being someone who seeks to feel pain for a later reward is a sadist
Literally pleasure is found where pain can be unveiled and comforted
And rightly so, pain is the other end of pleasure growing more pregnant - yin and yang
Pleasure and pain relief go hand in hand
New awareness lifts me out of my pain
My freedom from pain can only last so long before agony calls .. again and again
Is there really no hope for awareness without pain
The victim and the perpetrator
The mongoose and cobra in movement, in harmony, in a battle for death
Crying wolf doesn't bring help - it brings a need to relieve pain
My world is about relief not happiness
Finding community is about support not wellbeing
Friendship is about recognition, not acceptance
Service is about solving a pain point not connection
Love is a fantasy of 80' music videos of glamour, style and swag
What is the mirror of self love - self violence?
Control is the avoidance of pain
Complexity is engineered control
Engineering brings life in a different manner than before
Different life interacts and and feels the difference, the distance
Pain. Resistance. Threat. Fear.
To relate is to become the victim or the perpetrator
A tag team wrestling match in very fashionable shoes
Is there no hope for awareness without pain
Pleasure from the pain and pain from the pleasure
Knowing I am a victim means I can only become a perpetrator
Being a perpetrator, I only find relief with a victim
I think there is no hope for awareness without pain
The act of being aware is to have a comparison in relation
How to end it all without ending another
How to maintain relation with another without ending myself
The playground must dissolve
The flashing lights and amusement park sounds must extinguish
The need to find relief must end
The ending of who I am is the last and only ticket
Will I be able to relate to you?
Absolutely not.
If I end myself you will not see the end, you will just see relief
There is no hope for awareness without pain
Awareness, awakening, born again is merely the conscious heartbeat of my internal victim and perpetrator
Do not seek to be aware, do not seek to awaken, do not seek
Seek by its nature is to leave oneself because of pain
Unconsciously and then consciously
Where am I
Caught in the merry-go-road when the egg and the sperm collided
A frenzy of growth and control, control and growth
Control and complexity and complexity being controlled
Building and building with the rear view mirror echoing a similar dismantling
To live and grow means to accept death already
The more I grow the greater my death has to be
To be a victim all my life may suggest my perpetrator has been growing
in the silent spaces all this time
Or maybe, the last 15 years has fully brought the victim
A victim of relation by nature and balance
In the ordinary sense, to let go of one end means to hold the other more firmly
One always leads to the other